The journey of grief is unpredictable and does not take the same route for everyone. There may be five stages, but I have bounced around from each of them wildly trying to gain traction and attempting to hold on for the ride.
This fall and holiday season have been more difficult than prior years, as I have missed my daughter Sophia in a much deeper way. Because of all I have been through up to this point, the grieving was in some regards pushed aside. For four years I dealt with relentless physical pain, and looking back, I honestly am not sure how I survived it. The pain was constant and intense, so grief took a back seat.
I went through the lows of surgery each year, and the heartbreaking loss of my marriage. I tried to deal with these circumstances in my life that I had never anticipated. Grief had to take a back seat.
When I received my amputation and was finally released from my pain, I was persistent in my physical therapy. I set goals of hiking, skiing, running, and I had a year of conquering those physical triumphs I so badly needed in my life. All the while, grief took a back seat.
This year I have settled into life. I have traveled more than ever, held in my arms the sweetest two grandsons, worked, continued my side hustle, and exercised with an adaptive trainer. There was room for grief to move to the front seat and go along with me in my daily life.
There were things this year that have erupted new waves of grief. I updated Sophia’s room with a fresh coat of paint and new carpet, and I watched one of her best friends get married. Now I go into the holidays - it’s been seven Christmases without Sophia, seven birthdays when she didn’t hug me. Grief is hitting me hard.
For those of you who may be grieving also this year, it’s okay! Grieve in the manner you need to continue to walk this hard journey. Grief may be taking a back seat, or you may be trying to hide it in the trunk, but you are carrying it around with you. It’s not something that we can easily discard or leave behind. Acknowledge it is there because we are carrying its weight.
For those closest to the grievers, know these times look differently for us. It may have been years since a loved one passed, but for some reason, this year grief is taking a front seat. It wants to be dealt with. It may come in the form of tears, lashing out, or withdrawing. Check in on those loved ones, and don’t forget them throughout this season.
There is both pain and healing in the grieving process, and I don’t believe we ever really arrive in its journey. We learn how to display it properly on the dash, or put it away in the glove compartment, but it’s always there. We must learn to move it around, deal with it or not deal with it, in order to continue on.
The journey of life is still a beautiful one I will continue to attack with vigor! Grief will not steal the joys of this life from me, but we’ll travel together, with some Kleenex nearby, as we continue exploring this lovely world and the amazing people in it.
Merry Christmas!